TWO QUESTIONS

First: If you knew about a party that you weren’t invited to, wouldn’t you go, just to piss people off? I would.

Second: If you’d made up your mind to go to the party, wouldn’t you want to really rub people’s noses in it by looking completely gorgeous and stealing everyone’s boyfriends? Definitely.

But who knows what S will decide to do. That girl is full of surprises. . . .

At least I’ve given us all something to think about while we’re getting our pedicures, plucking our eyebrows, and squeezing our zits.

See you at the party!

You know you love me,


a change of heart

“Ugly, ugly, ugly,” Serena said, wadding her new black dress into a ball and tossing it onto her bed.

A gorgeous Tocca dress? Come on, how ugly could it be?

Each day that week, Serena had dressed in her maroon uniform, gone to school, come home, watched some TV, eaten dinner, watched some more TV, and gone to sleep. She even did some homework. She spoke to no one except her parents and her teachers and maybe a passing greeting to the girls at school. She was beginning to feel only half-there, like the shadow of her former self, a girl people had known once, but couldn’t quite remember anymore. And for the first time in her entire life, she felt ugly and awkward. Her eyes and hair looked dull to her, and her beautiful smile and cool demeanor had been roped off until further notice.

Now it was Friday, the night of the Kiss on the Lips party. And the question she couldn’t answer: to go or not to go?

It used to be, before fancy parties like this, Serena and her friends would spend half the night getting dressed together—swilling gin-and-tonics, dancing around in their underwear, trying on crazy outfits. But tonight Serena rummaged through her closet alone.

There was the pair of jeans with the rip in the leg where she’d snagged them on a barbed-wire fence in Ridgefield. There was the white satin dress she’d worn to the Christmas dance in ninth grade. Her brother’s old leather jacket. Her moldy tennis shoes that should have been thrown out two years ago. And what was this? A red wool sweater—Nate’s. Serena held it to her face and smelled it. It smelled like her, not him.

Toward the back of the closet was a black velvet flapper dress that Serena had bought with Blair at a vintage store. It was a dress to wear while drinking and dancing and lounging around decoratively in a huge house full of people having a good time. It reminded Serena of the good-time gal she’d been when she bought the dress—her old self, the girl she’d been up until two weeks ago. She let her robe drop to the floor and slipped the dress on over her head. Maybe it would give her back some of her power.

Barefoot, she padded into her parents’ dressing room, where they were getting ready for their own black-tie affair.

“What do you think?” Serena asked, doing a little twirl in front of them.

“Oh, Serena, you’re not wearing that. Tell me you’re not,” her mother exclaimed, fastening a long rope of pearls around her neck.

“What’s wrong with it?” Serena said.

“It’s an old ratty thing,” Mrs. van der Woodsen told her. “It’s just the sort of dress my grandmother was buried in.”

“What’s wrong with one of those outfits you bought with your mother last weekend?” Mr. van der Woodsen suggested. “Didn’t you buy anything to wear to the party?”

“Of course she did,” Mrs. van der Woodsen said. “She bought a lovely black dress.”

“That makes me look like a fat nun,” Serena said grumpily. She put her hands on her hips and posed in front of her mother’s full-length mirror. “I like this dress. It’s got character.”

Her mother sighed disapprovingly. “Well, what’s Blair wearing?” she asked.

Serena stared at her mother and blinked. Under normal circumstances she would have known exactly what Blair was wearing, down to her underwear. And Blair would have insisted on going shoe-shopping together, because if you bought a new dress, you had to have a pair of new shoes. Blair loved shoes.

“Blair told everyone to wear vintage,” Serena lied.

Her mother was about to respond when Serena heard her phone ring in her bedroom. Was it Nate calling to apologize? Blair? She raced down the hall in her bare feet, scrambling to pick it up.

“Hello?” she said breathlessly.

“Yo, bitch. Sorry I haven’t called in a while.”

Serena took a deep breath and sat down on her bed. It was Erik, her brother.

“Hey,” she said.

“Saw you in the paper last Sunday. You are crazy, aren’t you?” Erik laughed. “What did Mom say?”

“Nothing. It’s like I can do whatever I want now. Everyone thinks I’m like, ruined or something,” Serena said, fumbling for the right words.

“That’s not true,” Erik said. “Hey, what’s up? You sound sad.”

“Yeah,” Serena said. Her lower lip started to tremble. “I sort of am.”

“How come? What’s going on?”

“I don’t know. There’s this party I’m supposed to go to that everyone’s going to. You know how it is,” she began.

“That doesn’t sound so bad,” Erik said gently.

Serena propped her pillows against the headboard of her bed and wriggled under her comforter. She rested her head against the pillows and closed her eyes. “It’s just that no one’s talking to me anymore. I don’t even know why, but ever since I’ve been back it’s been like I have mad cow disease or something,” she explained. The tears began to fall from underneath her closed lids.

“What about Blair and Nate? Those guys must be talking to you,” Erik said. “They’re your best friends.”

“Not anymore,” Serena said quietly. Tears were streaming freely down her face now. She picked up a pillow and dabbed it against her cheeks to ebb the flow.

“Well, you know what I say?” Erik said.

Serena swallowed and wiped her nose on the back of her hand. “What?”

“Fuck ’em. Totally. You don’t need them. You’re like, the coolest chick in the Western Hemisphere. Fuck ’em, fuck ’em, fuck ’em,” he said.

“Yeah,” Serena said dubiously. “But they’re my friends.”

“Not anymore. You just said so yourself. You can get new friends. I’m serious,” Erik said. “You can’t let assholes turn you into an asshole. You just have to fuck ’em.”

It was a perfect Erikism. Serena laughed, wiped her runny nose on a pillow, and threw it across the room. “Okay,” she said, sitting up. “You’re right.”

“I’m always right. That’s why I’m so hard to get ahold of. There’s a huge demand for people like me,” he said.

“I miss you,” Serena told him, chewing on her pinky nail.

“I miss you too,” Erik said.

“Serena? We’re leaving!” she heard her mother call from out in the hall.

“Okay, I better go,” Serena said. “Love you.”

“Bye.”

Serena clicked off. On the end of her bed was the invitation to the Kiss on the Lips party that Jenny had made for her. She snatched it up and tossed it in her wastepaper basket.

Erik was right. She didn’t have to go to some stupid benefit just because everyone else was going. They didn’t even want her there. Fuck ’em. She was free to do what she pleased.

She carried the phone over to her desk and shuffled through a pile of papers until she found the Constance Billard School student directory, which had arrived in the mail on Monday. Serena read through the names. She wasn’t the only one skipping the party. She could find someone else to hang out with.

the red or the black

“Yo,” Vanessa said, picking up the phone. She was getting ready to go out with her sister and her friends, and she was wearing a black bra, black jeans, and her Doc Martens. She didn’t have any clean black shirts left, and her sister was trying to convince her to wear a red one.

“Hi. Is that Vanessa Abrams?” a girl’s voice said on the other end of the phone.

“Yes. Who’s this?” Vanessa said, standing in front of her bedroom mirror and holding the red shirt up to her chest. She hadn’t worn any color but black in two years. Why should she start now?

Please. It’s not like wearing a red shirt was going turn her into a bouncy cheerleader with blond pigtails. She’d have to be brainwashed for that to happen.

“It’s Serena van der Woodsen.”

Vanessa stopped looking at herself and threw the shirt on her bed. “Oh,” she said. “What’s up?”

“Well,” Serena said. “I totally understand why you wanted to cast Marjorie. You know, for your film? But you seem to really know what you’re doing, and I really need the extracurricular or Ms. Glos is going to kill me. So I thought I’d try to make my own movie.”

“Uh huh,” Vanessa said, trying to figure out why Serena van der Woodsen of all people would be calling her up on a Friday night. Didn’t she have a ball to go to or something? Some fête?

“So anyway, I was wondering if maybe you could help me. You know, like show me how to use the camera, and whatever. I mean, I really don’t know what I’m doing,” Serena said. She sighed. “I don’t know, maybe making a film is a dumb idea. It’s probably a lot harder than I think.”

“It’s not dumb,” Vanessa said, feeling kind of sorry for Serena despite herself. “I can show you some of the basic stuff.”

“Really?” Serena said. She sounded thrilled. “How about tomorrow? Can you do it tomorrow?”

Saturday was Vanessa’s vampire day. She usually woke up after dark and then went to the diner or to the movies with her sister or Dan.

“Sunday is better,” she said.

“Okay. Sunday,” Serena said. “You probably have a lot of equipment and stuff at your house, right? Why don’t I come over there, so you don’t have to lug it around.”

“Sounds good,” Vanessa said.

“Okay,” Serena said. She paused. She didn’t seem very eager to hang up the phone.

“Hey, isn’t that big party in the old Barneys building tonight?” Vanessa said. “Aren’t you going?”

“Nah,” Serena answered. “I wasn’t invited.”

Vanessa nodded, processing this information. Serena van der Woodsen wasn’t invited? Maybe she wasn’t so bad after all.

“Well, do you want to come out with us tonight?” Vanessa offered before she could stop herself. “Me and my big sister are going to a bar here in Williamsburg. Her band is playing.”

“I’d love to,” Serena said.

Vanessa gave her the address of The Five and Dime—the bar her sister was playing in—and hung up the phone.

Life was so strange. One day you could be picking your nose and eating donuts, and the next day you could be hanging out with Serena van der Woodsen. She picked up the red shirt, pulled it on over her head, and looked in the mirror. She looked like a tulip. A tulip with a stubbly black head.

“Dan will like it,” her sister Ruby told her, standing in the doorway. She handed Vanessa a tube of dark red lipstick. Vamp.

“Well, Dan’s not coming out tonight,” Vanessa said, smirking at her sister. She dabbed on the lipstick and rubbed her lips together. “He has to take his little sister to some fancy ball.”

She checked herself out in the mirror once more. The lipstick made her big brown eyes look even bigger, and the shirt was kind of cool, in a loud, look-at-me way.

Vanessa stuck out her chest and smiled invitingly at her reflection. Maybe I’ll get lucky, she thought. Or maybe not.

“I have a friend coming to meet us,” Vanessa informed her sister.

“Boy or girl?” Ruby asked, turning around to check out her butt in the mirror.

“Girl.”

“Name?” said Ruby.

“Serena van der Woodsen,” Vanessa mumbled.

“The girl whose picture is all over town?” Ruby said, clearly delighted.

“Yeah, that’s her,” Vanessa said.

“Well, I bet she’s pretty cool,” Ruby said, rubbing hair gel into her thick black bangs.

“Maybe,” Vanessa replied. “I guess we’ll find out.”

kiss on the lips

“What fantastic flowers,” said Becky Dormand, a junior at Constance. She kissed Blair on both cheeks. “And what a hot dress!”

“Thanks, Beck,” Blair said, looking down at the green satin sheath she was wearing. She had gotten her period that morning, but she had to wear extremely flimsy underwear with her dress. It made her nervous.

A waiter walked past with a tray of champagne. Blair whisked a flute off his tray and downed it in a matter of seconds. It was her third so far.

“I love your shoes,” Blair said. Becky was wearing black, high-heeled sandals that laced all the way up to her knees. They went perfectly with her short black tutu dress and her superhigh ponytail. She looked like a ballerina on acid.

“I can’t wait for the gift bags,” Laura Salmon squealed. “Kate Spade, right?”

“I heard they even put a glow-in-the-dark condom in them,” Rain Hoffstetter giggled. “Isn’t that cool?”

“Not that you’ll be using it or anything,” Blair said.

“How do you know?” Rain huffed.

“Blair?” Blair heard someone say in a tremulous voice.

Blair turned around to see little Jenny Humphrey standing behind her, looking like a human Wonderbra in her black satin dress.

“Oh, hello,” Blair said coolly. “Thanks again for doing those invitations. They really came out great.”

“Thanks for letting me do them,” Jenny said. Her eyes darted around the huge room, which was throbbing with people and music and smoke. Black three-foot-high candles in tall glass beakers trimmed with peacock feathers and fragrant white orchids flickered everywhere. Jenny had never been to anything this cool in her life. “God, I don’t know anyone here,” she said nervously.

“You don’t?” Blair said. She wondered if Jenny thought she was going to talk to her all night.

“No. My brother Dan was supposed to come with me, but he didn’t really want to, so I just let him drop me off. Actually, I do know one person,” Jenny said.

“Oh,” said Blair. “And who is that?”

“Serena van der Woodsen,” Jenny chirped. “We’re making a movie together. Did she tell you?”

Just then, a waitress brandished a platter of sushi under Blair’s nose. Blair grabbed a chunky tuna roll and shoved it into her mouth. “Serena’s not here yet,” she said, chewing hungrily. “But I’m sure she’ll be thrilled to see you.”

“Okay. I guess I’ll just wait for her here, then,” Jenny said, snagging two flutes of champagne from a waiter’s tray. She handed one to Blair. “Will you wait with me?”

Blair took the champagne, tilted her head back, and poured it down the hatch. The sickly sweet fizziness of it didn’t exactly jive with the raw fish and seaweed she’d just eaten. Blair burped queasily.

“I’ll be right back,” she told Jenny, practically running for the powder room.

Jenny took a sip of her champagne and gazed up at the crystal chandelier hanging from the ceiling, congratulating herself on making it in there. This was exactly what she’d always wanted. She closed her eyes and finished off her flute of champagne. When she opened her eyes again, she saw stars, but still no Serena.

Another waiter walked by with more champagne, and Jenny took two more glasses. She’d drunk a little beer and wine at home with her dad, but she’d never had champagne before. It tasted wonderful.

Careful, it doesn’t taste so wonderful when you’re on your knees in the bathroom, throwing it up.

Jenny looked around for Blair again, but couldn’t find her. The party was so crowded, and although she recognized a lot of faces, there was no one she’d actually feel comfortable going up and talking to. But Serena would be there soon, she had to be.

Jenny walked over to the bottom step of a marble staircase and sat down. She could see everything from there, including the door. She waited, drinking both glasses of champagne and wishing her dress wasn’t so tight. It was starting to make her feel nauseous.

“Well, hello,” a deep voice said, hovering above her.

Jenny looked up. Her eyes settled on Chuck Bass’s aftershave-commercial face and she sucked in her breath. He was the best-looking boy she’d ever seen, and he was looking right at her.

“Aren’t you going to introduce me?” Chuck said, staring at Jenny’s chest.

“To who?” Jenny said, frowning.

Chuck just laughed and held out his hand. Blair had sent him over there to talk to some chick, and he’d been skeptical. But not anymore. The cleavage on her! It was definitely his lucky night.

“I’m Chuck. Would you like to dance?”

Jenny hesitated and glanced at the door. Still no Serena. Then she shifted her gaze back to Chuck. She couldn’t believe a handsome and self-assured boy like him would want to dance with her. But she wasn’t wearing a sexy black dress just to sit on the steps all night. She stood up, a little wobblier than she’d been before, after so much champagne.

“Sure, let’s dance,” she slurred, falling against Chuck’s chest.

He slipped his arm around her waist and squeezed her tight. “Good girl,” he said, like he was talking to a dog.

As she stumbled out onto the dance floor with him Jenny realized Chuck hadn’t even asked her her name. But he was so handsome, and the party was so amazing. This would definitely go down as one of the most memorable nights of her life.

Yes. It would.

the five and dime

“I always drink rum and Coke,” Vanessa told Serena. “Unless I’m doing shots. But you have whatever you want. They have everything here.”

Ruby was taking their drink order. Because she was in the band, she got them for free.

“I feel like something different,” Serena mused. “Can I just get a shot of Stoli and a Coke on the side?” she asked Ruby.

“Nice choice,” Ruby said approvingly. Ruby had a cool black bob with short bangs and was wearing dark green leather pants. She looked like the kind of girl who could take care of herself anywhere, anytime. Her band was called SugarDaddy, and she was the only girl in it. She played bass.

“And don’t forget my cherry!” Vanessa yelled after her as Ruby left to get the drinks.

“Your sister’s awesome,” Serena said.

Vanessa shrugged. “Yeah,” she said. “It’s a pain in my ass, though. I mean, everyone’s always like, ‘Ruby’s so cool’ and I’m like, ‘Hello?’ ”

Serena laughed. “I know what you mean. My older brother—he goes to Brown, and everybody loves him. My parents are always so into everything he does, and now that I’m back from boarding school it’s like, ‘Oh, we have a daughter?’ ”

“Totally,” Vanessa agreed. She couldn’t believe she was having such a ridiculously normal conversation with Serena van der Woodsen.

Ruby brought them their drinks. “Sorry guys, I gotta go set up,” she said.

“Good luck,” Serena told her.

“Thanks, sweetie,” Ruby said. She picked up her guitar case and went to find her bandmates.

Vanessa couldn’t believe it. Ruby never called anyone sweetie except for Tofu, her parakeet. Serena certainly had a way of melting people’s hearts. Vanessa was even starting to like her a little herself. She picked up her drink and clinked glasses with Serena. “To cool-ass chicks,” she said, knowing it sounded seriously gay, but not really giving a shit.

Serena laughed and tossed back her shot of Stoli. She wiped her eyes and blinked a few times. A scruffy-looking guy wearing an oversized tuxedo was walking into the bar. He stopped in the doorway and stared at Serena as if he’d seen a ghost.

“Hey, isn’t that your friend Dan?” Serena asked Vanessa, pointing at him.

Dan was wearing a tuxedo for the first time in his life. He’d felt pretty sharp when he first put it on, but he still couldn’t deal with the Kiss on the Lips party. So when Jenny let him blow the party off, he’d come to The Five and Dime to apologize to Vanessa for being such a dick over the Marjorie thing.

He’d tried to convince himself it didn’t matter that he’d probably never see Serena van der Woodsen again in his life. After all, he told himself, life was fragile and absurd.

Life was absurd all right. Because there Serena was. In Williamsburg, of all places. His dream girl.

Dan felt like Cinderella. He shoved his hands in his pockets to keep them from shaking, and tried to plan his next move. He would walk over and suavely offer to buy Serena a drink. Too bad the only suave thing about him was his outfit. Even it was only half as suave as it could have been if he’d kept the Armani from Barneys.

“Hey,” Dan said when he reached their table, his voice cracking.

“What’re you doing here?” Vanessa said. She couldn’t believe her luck. Did it have to be quite this bad? Was she going to have to sit there for the rest of the night watching Dan drool over Serena?

Sorry, honey.

“I blew off that Kiss on the Lips party. It really wasn’t my thing,” Dan said.

“Me too,” Serena said, smiling at Dan like he’d never been smiled at before.

Dan clutched the back of Vanessa’s chair for balance. “Hey,” he said shyly.

“You remember Serena,” Vanessa said. “She’s in my class at Constance.”

“Hey Dan,” Serena said. “Nice tux.”

Dan blushed and looked down at himself. “Thanks,” he said. He looked up again. “And that dress is . . . looks . . . pretty also,” he stuttered. He hadn’t thought it was possible to sound so idiotic.

“What about my shirt?” Vanessa said loudly. “Have you ever seen me look this hot?”

Dan stared at Vanessa’s shirt. It was a red T-shirt. Not very exciting. “Is it new?” he asked, confused.

“Never mind,” Vanessa sighed, impatiently swirling the maraschino cherry around in her glass.

“Grab a chair,” Serena said, moving over to make room for him. “Ruby’s band is going to play in a minute.”

The rumors couldn’t possibly be true. Serena didn’t look like a sex-crazed, drug-addicted maniac. She looked delicate and perfect and exciting, like a wildflower you stumble upon unexpectedly in Central Park. Dan wanted to hold hands with her and whisper to each other all night long.

He sat down next to her. His hands were shaking so badly he had to sit on them to keep them still. He wanted her so badly.

The band started to play.

Serena finished her vodka.

“Would you like another one?” Dan offered eagerly.

Serena shook her head. “I’m okay,” she said, sitting back in her chair. “Let’s just listen to the music for a while.”

“Okay,” Dan said. As long as he was near her, he’d do anything.

as usual, bis in the bathroom and nis stoned

“Hello, everyone!” Jeremy Scott Tompkinson said loudly, throwing open the doors to the old Barneys building.

As always, Nate, Jeremy, Anthony, and Charlie had smoked a big fatty before the party. Nate was silly high, and when he walked through the door and saw Blair pushing her way through the crowd with her hand pressed over her mouth, he started to giggle.

“What’re you laughing at, jackass?” Anthony said, shoving his elbow into Nate’s ribs. “Nothing’s even happened yet.”

Nate wiped his hand over his face and tried to look serious, but it was hard to keep a straight face in a room full of boys dressed like penguins, and girls in sexy dresses. He knew Blair was in the bathroom, throwing up as usual. The question was, should he go rescue her? It was the type of thing a good, concerned boyfriend would do.

Go for it. You know you want to.

“Bar’s over there,” Charlie said, leading the way.

“I’ll catch you guys later,” Nate said, pushing his way through the crowded dance floor.

He ducked around Chuck, who was gyrating his crotch against the ass of a short girl with curly brown hair and insane cleavage, and headed for the ladies room.

But Blair hadn’t made it to the ladies’ room. Before she’d gotten there, a middle-aged woman in a red Chanel suit with a “Save the Falcons” button pinned to it had stopped her.

“Blair Waldorf?” the woman said, holding out her hand and smiling her best fundraising smile. “I’m Rebecca Agnelli, from the Central Park Save the Peregrine Falcon Foundation.”

Talk about bad timing.

Blair stared at the woman’s hand. Her own right hand was clapped over her mouth, holding in the vomit that threatened to spew out at any moment. She started to remove it so she could shake hands, but then a waiter walked by with sizzling skewers of spicy chicken, and Blair gagged.

Blair squeezed her lips together to keep the puke from seeping out the sides of her mouth and changed hands, clapping the left one over her mouth and reaching out to shake hands with her right hand.

“It’s so wonderful to finally meet you,” the woman said as they clasped hands. “I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done.”

Blair nodded and pulled her hand away. Enough was enough. She couldn’t hold on any longer. Her eyes darted around the crowded room, desperately seeking help.

There were Kati and Isabel, dancing with each other. There was Anthony Avuldsen, handing out tabs of E. There was Jeremy Scott Tompkinson, trying to teach Laura Salmon and Rain Hoffstetter how to blow smoke rings by the bar. There was Chuck, holding that little Ginny girl so tight it looked like her boobs might explode.

All the extras were there, but where was her leading man, her savior?

“Blair?”

She turned around and saw Nate pushing his way through the crowd toward her. Nate’s eyes were bloodshot, his face slack, his hair uncombed. He looked more like a forgettable supporting actor than a leading man.

Was this all there was? Was Nate it?

Blair didn’t have much choice. She opened her eyes wide, silently asking Nate for help and praying he’d be up to the job.

Ms. Agnelli frowned and turned around to see what Blair was staring at. Blair made a run for it, and Nate stepped in just in time.

Thank God he was so stoned.

“Nate Archibald,” Nate said, shaking hands with the woman. “My mother is a big fan of those falcons.”

Ms. Agnelli laughed and blushed a little. What a charming young man. “Well, of course she is,” she said. “Your family has been very generous with our foundation.”

Nate plucked two flutes of champagne off a passing tray and handed one to her. He raised his glass. “To the birds,” he said, clinking his glass with hers and trying to fend off an outbreak of the giggles.

Ms. Agnelli blushed again. This boy was too cute!

“Hey, those two girls helped plan the party, too,” Nate said, pointing at Kati and Isabel, who were standing on the edge of the dance floor, useless as usual. He waved them over.

“Hello, Nate,” said Kati, tottering over on four-inch stilettos.

Isabel clutched her drink and stared at the strange woman standing next to Nate. “Hi,” she said. “I love your suit.”

“Thank you, dear. I’m Rebecca Agnelli, from the Central Park Save the Peregrine Falcons Foundation,” the woman said. She held her hand out to Isabel, who reached out with both arms to give her a drunken hug.

“Excuse me,” said Nate, bowing out right on cue.

“Blair?” Nate called, cautiously pushing open the ladies’ room door. “Are you in there?”

Blair was crouched in the end stall. “Shit,” she said softly, wiping her mouth with toilet paper. She stood up and flushed. “I’ll be right out,” she said, waiting for him to leave.

But Nate pushed the ladies’ room door open all the way and stepped inside. On a counter by the sinks were little bottles of Evian, perfume, hairspray, Advil, and hand lotion. He unscrewed a bottle of water and shook a couple Advil onto his palm.

Blair opened the stall door. “You’re still here,” she said.

Nate handed her the pills and the water. “I’m still here,” he repeated.

Blair swallowed the pills, sipping the water slowly. “I’m really fine,” she said. “You can go back to the party.”

“You look nice,” Nate said, ignoring her. He reached out and rubbed one of Blair’s bare shoulders. Her skin felt warm and soft, and Nate wished they could lie down on her bed and fall asleep together like they always used to.

“Thanks,” said Blair, her lower lip beginning to tremble. “So do you.”

“I’m sorry, Blair. I really am,” Nate began.

Blair nodded and began to cry. Nate pulled a paper towel from the dispenser and handed it to her.

“I think the only real reason I did it . . . I mean, that I did it with Serena . . . is because I knew she’d do it,” he said, grasping for the right words. “But it was you I wanted all along.”

Nice one.

Blair swallowed. He’d said it just right, exactly the way she’d written it in the script in her head. She put her arms around Nate’s neck and let him hold her. His clothes smelled like pot.

Nate pushed her away and looked down into her eyes. “So everything is okay now?” he said. “You still want me?”

Blair caught the reflection of the two of them together in the bathroom mirror and gazed up into Nate’s gorgeous green eyes and nodded yes.

“But only if you promise to stay away from Serena,” she sniffled.

Nate wound a strand of Blair’s hair around his finger and breathed in the scent of her perfume. It felt okay, standing there, holding her. It felt like something he could do. For now, and maybe forever. He didn’t need Serena.

He nodded. “I promise.”

And then they kissed—a sad, soft kiss. In her head, Blair could hear the swell of music signaling the end of the scene. It had started out a little rocky, but at least the ending was okay.

“Come on,” she said, pulling away and wiping the mascara smudges from under her eyes. “Let’s go see who’s here.”

Holding hands, they left the ladies’ room. Kati Farkas smiled knowingly as she tottered past them on the way in.

“You guys,” she scolded. “Get a room!”

sand dget down

“This band rocks!” Serena shouted at Vanessa over the pounding drum and bass. She wriggled her butt from side to side in her chair, her eyes shining. Dan was having trouble breathing normally. He’d barely touched his drink.

Vanessa smiled, pleased that Serena liked the music. Personally, she hated it, although she’d never tell her sister Ruby that. SugarDaddy was all about people dancing and sweating and shaking their bodies around, which was definitely not Vanessa’s thing.

She’d rather lie around in the dark listening to Gregorian chants or whatever. Yeehaw!

“Come on,” Serena said, standing up. “Let’s dance.”

Vanessa shook her head. “That’s okay,” she said. “You go.”

“Dan?” Serena said, tugging on his jacket sleeve. “Come on!”

Dan never, ever danced. He was bad at it, and it made him feel like a goofball. He hesitated, glancing at Vanessa, who raised her black eyebrows, challenging him. If you get up and dance right now, you will go straight to the top of my loser list, her look said.

Dan stood up. “Sure, why not,” he said.

Serena grabbed his hand and pushed her way into the gyrating throng with Dan stumbling after her. Then Serena began to dance, her arms raised over her head, kicking her feet out in front of her and shaking her shoulders. She definitely knew how to dance.

Dan nodded his head up and down and waggled his knees in time to the beat, watching her.

Serena reached out and clasped Dan’s hips, rocking them back and forth and around and around, mimicking what her hips were doing all on their own. Dan laughed and Serena smiled and closed her eyes, getting seriously down. Dan closed his eyes too, letting his body follow hers. It really didn’t matter that he danced like a moron, or that he was the only one in the room wearing a tuxedo—probably the only one in Williamsburg. He was with her, and that was what mattered.

Alone at the table, Vanessa finished first her drink and then Dan’s. Then she got up and went to sit down at the bar.

“Nice shirt,” the bartender remarked when he saw her. He was in his early twenties, with red hair, long sideburns, and a cute, sly smile. Her sister was always talking about how cute he was.

“Thanks,” Vanessa said, smiling back at him. “It’s new.”

“You should wear red more often,” he said. He held his hand out. “I’m Clark. You’re Vanessa, right? Ruby’s sister?”

Vanessa nodded. She wondered if he was just being nice to her because he liked her sister.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Clark said. He poured a few different things into a martini shaker and shook it up.

Oh, fuck, Vanessa thought. Here’s when he pours out his heart and tells me all about how he’s been in love with Ruby forever, but she doesn’t seem to notice him. And he wants me to play Cupid and blah, blah, blah.

“What?” she said.

“Well,” Clark said. “I see you and Ruby come in here all the time.”

Here he goes, thought Vanessa.

“And you never come up to the bar and talk to me. But I’ve kind of had a crush on you since I first saw you.”

Vanessa stared at him. Was he joking?

Clark poured the drink out of the martini shaker into a short little glass and squeezed a few limes into it. He pushed it toward her. “Try that,” he said. “It’s on the house.”

Vanessa picked up the glass and tasted it. It tasted sweet and sour at the same time, and she couldn’t taste any alcohol in it at all. It was good.

“What’s it called?” she said.

“Kiss me,” Clark said, with an absolutely straight face.

Vanessa put the drink down and leaned over the bar. Serena and Dan could dance their pretty asses off for all she cared. She was about to be kissed.

The Kiss on the Lips DJ had just broken up with her boyfriend of four years and was playing sad, slow, love songs back to back. Gorgeously dressed couples held onto each other and swayed to the lonesome riffs, barely moving beneath the soft lights. The air smelled of orchids and candle wax and raw fish and cigarette smoke, and there was a peaceful sophistication to the evening that was both unexpected and familiar. It wasn’t the rocking slam-fest that some had hoped for, but it wasn’t a bad party, either. There was still plenty of booze left, nothing had caught fire, and the cops hadn’t shown up to card people. Besides, the year was just getting started—there were tons more parties to look forward to.

Nate and Blair were dancing together, her cheek against his chest, both of their eyes closed, his lips brushing the top of her head. Blair had put her brain on pause, and her head was full of static. She was tired of dreaming up movies. Right now, real life suited her just fine.

A few couples away, Chuck had his hands full of Jenny Humphrey. Jenny wished the DJ would bring up the tempo. She was trying to dance as fast as she could, to keep Chuck from groping her, but it was having the opposite effect. Every time she moved her shoulders, her boobs bounced out of her dress and practically hit him in the face.

Chuck was absolutely delighted. He put his arms around Jenny’s waist and pulled her close, dancing off the dance floor and into the ladies’ room.

“What are we doing?” Jenny said, confused. She gazed up into his eyes. She knew Chuck was friends with Serena and Blair, and she wanted to trust him. But Chuck still hadn’t asked her what her name was. He’d barely spoken to her at all.

“I just want to kiss you,” Chuck said. He bent his head down and enveloped her mouth in his, pressing his tongue against her teeth with such force that she let out a little gasp. Jenny opened her mouth and let him thrust his tongue deep into her throat. She had kissed boys before, playing games at parties. But she’d never tongue kissed like this. Is this what it’s supposed to feel like? she wondered, suddenly feeling a little frightened. She reached up and pushed against Chuck’s chest, pulling her head away from him, desperate for air.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” she mumbled, stumbling backwards into a stall and locking the door.

She could see Chuck’s feet, standing outside the stall.

“All right,” he said. “But I’m not finished with you yet.”

Jenny sat down on the toilet seat without pulling up her dress and pretended to pee. Then she stood up and flushed.

“All done?” Chuck called.

Jenny didn’t answer. Her mind was racing. What should she do? Anxiously, she reached inside her little black handbag for her cell phone.

Chuck crouched down to look under the stall door. What was she doing in there, the little tease? He crawled forward on his hands and knees. “All right,” he said. “That’s it, I’m coming in.”

Jenny closed her eyes and backed against the stall wall. Quickly, she pressed the buttons for Dan’s number into her cell phone, praying that he’d answer.

Ruby’s band was playing their last song, and Serena and Dan were slick with sweat. Dan had some new moves down, and he was in the middle of an experimental slide to the side with a pelvic thrust when his cell phone went off.

“Damn,” he said, pulling it out of his pocket. He flipped it open.

“Dan,” he heard his sister’s voice. “I—”

“Hey Jen. Hold on, all right? I can’t hear you.” He tapped Serena on the arm and pointed to his phone. “Sorry,” he shouted over the music. He walked back to the table and put his hand over his free ear. “Jenny?”

“Dan?” Jenny said. Her voice sounded very small and scared and far away. “I need your help. Please come get me?”

“Now?” Dan said. He looked up. Serena was walking toward him, a worried frown on her perfect face.

“Is everything okay?” she mouthed.

“Please, Dan?” Jenny pleaded. She sounded really upset.

“What’s wrong?” Dan asked his sister. “Can’t you take a cab?”

“No, I—” Jenny said, her voice trailing off. “Just please come, okay, Dan?” she finished hurriedly. And then she hung up.

“Who was that?” Serena said.

“My little sister,” Dan told her. “She’s at that party. She wants me to come get her.”

“Are you going?”

“Yeah, I think I’d better. She sounded kind of weird,” he said.

“I’ll come with you,” Serena offered.

“All right,” Dan said, smiling shyly. This night was getting better and better. “That would be cool.”

“We’d better tell Vanessa,” Serena said, heading for the bar.

Dan followed her. He’d forgotten all about Vanessa. But she looked like she was having a good time talking to the bartender.

“Hey Vanessa,” Serena said, touching Vanessa’s arm. “Dan just got a call from his sister at the party. He has to go get her.”

Vanessa turned around slowly. She was waiting for Clark’s eyes to settle on Serena. For his eyeballs to suddenly register “beautiful girl” in bold black letters like the cherries in a slot machine. But Clark only glanced at Serena like she was just another customer.

“What can I get you?” he said, slapping a cocktail napkin down on the bar in front of her.

“Oh, nothing, thanks,” Serena said. She turned to Vanessa. “I think I’m going to go with Dan.”

“Hey Serena, we better take off,” Dan called urgently from behind them.

Vanessa turned around to look at him, waiting so eagerly for Serena. His tongue was practically hanging out of his mouth.

“Okay, have a good rest of the night,” Serena said. She leaned over and gave Vanessa a kiss on her cheek. “Tell Ruby I thought she was awesome.” Then she slipped away to join Dan.

“See you, Vanessa,” Dan called, turning to go.

Vanessa turned back to Clark without a word. She couldn’t wait to kiss him again, and forget all about Serena and Dan, heading off into the night together.

“Who were they?” Clark said, resting his elbows on the bar. He picked an olive out of a dish and held it just in front of Vanessa’s lips.

Vanessa bit into the olive and shrugged. “Just some people I don’t really know.”

sfinds hope

Dan hailed a cab and opened the door for Serena. The October air was crisp and smelled of burnt sugar, and Dan suddenly felt very elegant and mature—a man in a tuxedo out on the town with a beautiful girl. He slid into the seat beside her and looked down at his hands as the cab pulled away from the curb. They weren’t shaking anymore.

Unbelievable as it seemed, he had touched Serena with those very hands while they were dancing. And now he was alone with her in a taxi. If he wanted to, he could take her hand, stroke her cheek, maybe even kiss her. He studied her profile, her skin shining in the yellow glow of the streetlights, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“God I love to dance,” Serena said, letting her head fall back on the seat. She felt completely relaxed. “I could seriously dance every single night.”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, me too,” he said. But only with you, he meant to add.

It takes a girl like Serena to make a guy with two left feet say he loves to dance.

They rode the rest of the way in silence, enjoying the tired feeling in their legs and the cool air from the open window on their sweat-dampened foreheads. There was nothing awkward about the fact that they weren’t talking. It was nice.

When the cab pulled up in front of the old Barneys building on Seventeenth Street, Dan was expecting to see Jenny waiting for them outside, but the sidewalk was empty.

“I guess I’m going to have to go in there and get her,” Dan said. He turned to Serena. “You can go ahead home. Or you can wait. . . .”

“I’ll come with you,” Serena said. “I may as well see what I missed out on.”

Dan paid for the cab, and they got out and headed for the door.

“I hope they let us in,” Serena whispered. “I threw my invitation out.”

Dan pulled the crumpled invitation Jenny had made for him out of his pocket and flashed it at the bouncer at the door. “She’s with me,” he said, putting his arm around Serena.

“Go ahead,” the bouncer said, waving them on.

She’s with me? Dan couldn’t believe his balls. He’d had no idea they were that big.

“I’d better look around for my sister,” he told Serena when they got inside.

“Okay,” she said. “I’ll meet you back here in ten minutes.”

The room was full of old familiar faces. So familiar that no one there was quite sure whether Serena van der Woodsen had just arrived or if she’d been there all night. She certainly looked like she’d been having a good time. Her hair was windblown, her dress was slipping off her shoulders, there was a run in her tights, and her cheeks were all pink, as if she’d been running. She looked wild, like the kind of girl who’d done everything everyone said she’d done, and probably a whole lot more.

Blair noticed Serena right away, standing on the edge of the dance floor in that funny old dress they’d bought together at Alice Underground.

Blair pulled away from Nate. “Look who’s here,” she said.

Nate turned around, gripping Blair’s hand when he saw Serena, as if to demonstrate his devotion.

Blair squeezed his hand back. “Why don’t you go tell her?” she asked him. “Tell her you can’t be friends with her anymore.” Her stomach rumbled nervously. After all the throwing up she’d done, she really needed another tuna roll.

Nate stared at Serena with grim, slightly stoned determination. If Blair thought it was crucial that he tell Serena to get lost, then he’d do it. He couldn’t wait to get this all behind them so he could relax. In fact, after he talked to Serena he was going to head upstairs and find somewhere private to light up.

Waspoid rule #1: When things get intense, smoke a joint.

“All right,” Nate said, letting go of Blair’s hand. “Here I go.”

“Hey,” Serena said. She reached up and kissed Nate on the cheek. He blushed. He hadn’t expected her to touch him. “You look mah-velous, darling,” she said in a silly, hoity-toity accent.

“Thanks,” Nate said. He tried to put his hands in his pockets, but his tuxedo didn’t have any. Stupid thing. “So, what have you been up to?” he asked.

“Well, I kind of blew off the party,” Serena explained. “I’ve been out dancing at this crazy place in Brooklyn.”

Nate raised his eyebrows in surprise. But then again, nothing Serena said should have surprised him anymore.

“So, you want to dance?” Serena asked. She put her arms around Nate’s neck before he answered, and began to swing her hips from side to side.

Nate glanced at Blair, who was watching them carefully, and collected himself. “Look, Serena,” he said, taking a step back and removing her arms. “I really can’t . . . you know . . . be friends . . . not like the way we were before,” he began.

Serena gazed into his eyes searchingly, trying to read his true thoughts. “What did I do?” she said. “Did I do something?”

“Blair is my girlfriend,” Nate continued. “I have to . . . I have to be loyal to her. I can’t . . . I can’t really be . . .” He swallowed.

Serena crossed her arms over her chest. If only she could hate Nate for being so cruel and so lame. If only he weren’t so good-looking. And if only she didn’t love him.

“Well, I guess we should stop talking then,” she said. “Blair might get mad.” She let her arms fall to her sides and turned abruptly away.

As she crossed the room, Serena’s eyes met Blair’s. She stopped in her tracks and reached into her bag, searching for the twenty-dollar bill Blair had left on the table at the Tribeca Star. She wanted to give it back. As if, somehow, it would prove she hadn’t done anything wrong. That night, or ever. Her fingers found her cigarettes instead. She pulled one out and stuck it between her lips. The music was getting louder and around her, people were dancing. Serena could feel Blair watching her, and her hands trembled as she fumbled around in her bag for a light. As usual, she didn’t have one. She shook her head in annoyance, and glanced up at Blair. And then, instead of glaring at each other, the two girls smiled.

It was strange smile, and neither girl knew what the other meant by it.

Was Blair smiling because she had won the boy in the end and stamped all over Serena’s party shoes? Because—as usual—she had gotten her way?

Was Serena smiling because she felt uncomfortable and nervous? Or was she smiling because she hadn’t stooped to Blair’s petty level of spreading nasty rumors and playing with Nate’s mind?

Or was it a sad smile because their friendship was over?

Maybe they were smiling because they both knew deep down that no matter what happened next—no matter what boy they fell in or out of love with, or what clothes they wore, or what their SAT scores were, or which college they got into—they both would be all right.

After all, the world they lived in took care of its own.

Serena pulled the cigarette out of her mouth, dropped it on the floor and began walking toward Blair. When they were face to face, she stopped and fished the twenty-dollar bill out of her bag. “Here,” she said, handing it to Blair. “This is yours.” And then, without another word, she kept on walking, heading for the ladies’ room to splash some cold water on her face.

Blair looked down at the bill in her hand and stopped smiling.

Over by the door, Rebecca Agnelli from the Central Park Save the Peregrine Falcon Foundation was just putting on her mink coat and kissing Kati and Isabel goodnight. Blair walked over and pressed the twenty-dollar bill into her hand.

“That’s for the birds,” Blair said with her fakest smile. “Don’t forget your gift bag!”

Serena turned on the tap and splashed her face over and over with cool clean water. It felt so good she wanted to peel off all her clothes and jump in.

She leaned against the row of sinks, patting her face dry. Her gaze slipped to the floor, where she saw a pair of black wing-tipped shoes, the fringed end of a blue scarf, and a girl’s black handbag.

Serena rolled her eyes and walked over. “Chuck, is that you?” she said into the crack in the door. “Who’ve you got in there with you?”

A girl gasped.

“Shit,” Serena heard Chuck say.

Chuck had stood Jenny up on the toilet-seat lid in the end stall and pulled her dress down so he could get at those massive jugs. Serena had come at the worst possible time.

Chuck pushed open the stall door a few inches. “Fuck off,” he growled.

Behind him Serena could see little Jenny Humphrey, her dress pulled down around her waist, her arms hugging herself, looking terrified.

Someone pushed open the bathroom door. “Jenny? Are you in here?” Dan called.

Serena suddenly registered: Jenny was Dan’s sister. No wonder she’d sounded weird on the phone. She was about to be mauled by Chuck.

“I’m here,” Jenny whimpered.

“Get out of here,” Serena snapped at Chuck, pulling the door open just wide enough for him to get past her.

Chuck pushed by her, knocking her against the stall door. “Well, excuse me, bitch,” he hissed. “Next time I’ll be sure to ask your permission.”

“Wait a minute, asshole,” Dan said, sizing Chuck up. “What were you doing to my sister?”

Serena pushed the stall door closed and stood outside it, waiting for Jenny to step down from the toilet and fix herself before her brother saw her. Inside, she could hear Jenny sniffling.

“Fuck off,” Chuck said, pushing Dan out of the way.

“No, you fuck off, Scarf Boy,” Dan said. He’d never been in a fight before. His hands began to shake again.

Serena hated it when boys fought. It was so pointless, and it made them look like assholes.

“Hey Chuck,” Serena said, poking Chuck in the back. Chuck turned around. “Why don’t you go fuck yourself? You know no one else will,” she hissed.

“You bitch,” Chuck hissed back. “You think you can come back here and act all high and mighty after everything you’ve done? You think you can act like such a princess and tell me to fuck off?”

“What have I done, Chuck?” Serena demanded. “What is it that you think I’ve done?”

Chuck licked his lips and laughed quietly. “What have you done?” he asked. “You got kicked out of boarding school because you are a perverted slut who made marks on the wall above the bed in your dorm room for every boy you did. You have STDs. You were addicted to all kinds of drugs and busted out of rehab and now you’re dealing your own stuff. You were a member of some cult that killed chickens. You have a fucking baby in France.” Chuck took a deep breath and licked his lips.

Serena was smiling again.

“Wow. I’ve been busy,” she said.

Chuck frowned. He glanced at Dan who was standing there, watching silently with his hands in his pockets.

“Fuck off, Chuck,” Serena whispered.

Chuck shrugged and grabbed a bottle of Evian off the counter. “Whatever, bitch,” he said, pushing past Dan and out the door.

“You know you love me!” Serena yelled after him.

Dan knocked on the bathroom stall. “Jenny?” he said gently. “Are you all right?”

More sniffling.

Jenny couldn’t get control of herself. She just could not believe that of all the people in the universe, it had to be Serena van der Woodsen who found her like this. Serena must think she was so pathetic.

“I’m okay,” Jenny finally managed to say. She picked her purse up off the floor and pushed open the door. “Just take me home.”

Dan put his arm around his sister and Serena took his hand. Together, they wound their way through the crowded party.

“Wait! Your gift bags!” Rain Hoffstetter squealed from her post at the front door. She handed Serena and Jenny each a black Kate Spade tote bag.

Dan pushed open the doors and ran out into the street to hail a cab. When he found one, Serena got in first, then Jenny, and then Dan. Jenny put her feet up on the hump in the floor and hugged her knees, resting her head against them. Serena reached down and stroked her curly brown hair.

“You guys go home first,” Serena offered.

Dan glanced at Jenny. She needed to go to bed. “All right,” he agreed, and gave the driver his address.

Serena leaned back, still stroking Jenny’s hair. “Wow,” she said ironically. “I haven’t had this much excitement since I left boarding school.”

Dan stared at her, his eyes wide and trusting. “So, those stories . . .” he said, and then he blushed. “I mean, did any of that happen, for real?”

Serena frowned. She fished in her bag for a cigarette, and then thought better of it. “Well, what do you think?” she asked.

Dan shrugged. “I think it’s a bunch of bullshit,” he said.

Serena raised her eyebrows playfully. “But how do you know for sure?” she asked.

Her mouth was open, the corners of it quavering up and then down. Her blue eyes glowed in the light of a passing car.

No, Dan couldn’t imagine her doing any of the things Chuck had accused her of. The only thing he could imagine her doing was kissing him. But there was time for that later.

“I just don’t see you that way,” he said.

The corners of Serena’s mouth spread wide and she was smiling again.

“Good,” she said. She took a deep breath and let her head fall back against the seat.

Dan let his head fall back beside hers. “Good,” he agreed, closing his eyes.

As they sped past the flashing billboards and bright lights of Times Square, Serena kept her eyes open. She had always thought Times Square was ugly and depressing compared to the quiet, manicured streets of her neighborhood. But now the brilliant lights and loud noises and the steam rising from the grates on the corners gave her hope. In the darkness of the taxi, she reached for Dan’s hand at the same moment he reached for hers.

She couldn’t wait to see what would happen next.

Disclaimer: All the real names of places, people, and events have been altered or abbreviated to protect the innocent. Namely, me.

hey people!

Well, I had a great time at Kiss on the Lips. I must have lost fifteen pounds dancing—not that I needed to.

Needless to say, I’m feeling good.