Chapter 23

Maddie

It takes a moment for my mind to catch up with what he said. Quite honestly, I think I’m having one of my hallucinations. But as River stares at me from across the desk, waiting eagerly for a response, I realize that this is reality. That he did ask me if I was Lily. That somehow he’s discovered my alter ego that might be named after my dead sister. Perhaps he’s even met her. I can’t help but think of the man that broke into the house. He called me Lily… It didn’t sound like River, but still…

“Who’s Lily?” I play dumb, coiling a strand of my hair around my finger.

“Maddie, please don’t do that,” he says in a soft, soothing voice, which seems out of character for someone who knows about the other part of me that has killer tendencies. “Don’t go back to where we started.”

“Where we started? What start? We never had a start, River. We fooled around sometimes. That’s it.” Wow, you’re just as cruel as me. I didn’t think you had it in you. Bravo.

I can’t help but think of the memory of me cutting Lily and how she seemed proud of me when I did it. Why do you like when I’m bad?

Because it’s who you are, yet you fight it so hard. You let fear own you, so afraid of being what you are.

River blows out a frustrated breath. Seconds tick by and I veer toward hyperventilation. I need fresh air. Need to get out of here. I glance at the door, just over my shoulder, wondering if he’d chase me if I bailed. If he did, I could fight him. Hurt him. Maybe even get rid of him. It might be necessary now that he knows.

Before I can budge, he scoots back his chair to get to his feet. “That’s not true. We had a start,” he says, rounding the desk and coming up in front of me, in an intimidating manner. “The start of where you told me who you really were.”

I tip my chin up, eyes narrowed as I slant forward instead of leaning back. I won’t be afraid of him, even if he knows my dirty little secret. “I’m Maddie. That’s it. No one else.”

The corner of his lip tips up and he gives me a half smile, reaching forward and cupping my cheek. “I know that.”

“I’m not this Lily person.” I move from his touch, working to take slow, even breaths. My chest is heaving though like a volcano ready to erupt, and he notices, his attention sliding downward to my breasts. “That would make me crazy.”

He tears his gaze away from my chest, his hand following me, his finger tracing a line back and forth across my cheekbone. His sleeves are rolled up and I can see faint lines of healing wounds up his arms, probably from where I clawed him a week ago. He notices me staring at the marks and pulls his hand away from my cheek to touch them.

“That night when you came up to my office and gave me these,” he begins. “You were calling yourself Lily.”

My breath catches and I quickly clear my throat. “That’s my nickname. Sometimes I like to go by it.”

He shakes his head then drops to his knees in front of me, so we’re at eyelevel. “You told me everything. About Lily. About Maddie. How you two coexist together.” He glances down at his arms then back at me, then places his hands on top of my thighs. “This was of course after you attacked me.”

“Attacked you? I thought you said things got kinky and I got rough.”

“They did. But it started when you burst into the office, strolled up to me, and… wrapped your fingers around my neck.”

Oh my God, Lily. What the fuck did you do?

I was trying to protect us. He sees too much, but things didn’t work out how I planned.

Great job. Now he sees everything.

It was an accident.

How?

She doesn’t respond and I flick my eyes to the door again, which is wide open. All I need to do is distract him and make a run for it.

“Don’t worry,” River says, his hands clamping down on my knee, securing me in place, as if he senses my desire to flee. “You didn’t hurt me… you let go as soon as I asked you to, almost like you didn’t even realize you were doing it. Then after I got you calmed down, you told me… about who you were… about Lily.”

He’s met Lily. Actually talked to her. My lips part, then shut again. Part then shut. “I don’t even know what to say.” I’m racking my brain for a way out of this. Usually Lily takes care of this, but she’s silent, probably enjoying my uneasiness. “Why didn’t you tell me before? Why didn’t you tell me that morning when I couldn’t remember what happened the night before?” It seems suspicious that he didn’t. Most people in his situation would have—most would have reported me to the police or the nearest insane asylum. Maybe he has. Perhaps this is why he wanted me to come here. Maybe at any moment, the police are going to bust in here, handcuff me, and take me away. Lock me up.

Speaking of handcuffs, he has a pair in his top desk drawer, just in case you want to go that route, Lily whispers.

And there you are… wait, how do you know about the handcuffs?

He brought them out that night.

That doesn’t seem like River at all.

Well, maybe you don’t know him as well as you think, which is why you shouldn’t trust him.

He’s not… the man that broke into the house is he?

How the hell would I know? You think I know more than I do.

“Because I could tell you weren’t her that morning,” he answers my question and I tear my concentration from Lily and direct it on him. “And I could tell you were pretty fucking scared as it was that you couldn’t remember anything, so I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire by telling you I knew about her. Multiple personalities can be tricky, especially if you don’t know about it already.” He searches my eyes, maybe for her. “But I’m guessing you do.”

I grip the edge of the seat, pierce my nails into the wood, fight not to hurt him, fight not to protect myself. “Please get out of my way so I can leave.”

He shakes his head, only getting closer to me, his warm breath caressing my flushed cheeks. “Maddie, I want to help you.” His voice conveys fervidness as he gently puts a hand on my cheek again. “There’s no need to be afraid. These kinds of things can be helped… I want to help you.”

“What are you? Some kind of psychology expert now.” I sit up straight, put my hands to his chest, and force him to move back and give me breathing room. “This isn’t a sociology study, River. I don’t want your help. I can handle it.”

“That’s not what it looks like to me.” He brushes his fingers through my damp hair and tucks a few strands behind my ear. “You look like you haven’t been sleeping very well.”

“I already told you I haven’t. But it’s normal for people to have trouble sleeping.”

“Is it…” He chews on his bottom lip, thinking. “Is it because of her?” he asks and I find myself shrugging. “Or is it because of the police? And how you are handling the thing with Bella?”

“It’s nothing. I just get restless sometimes.” I bite down on my lip until I draw blood to distract myself from the pain of thinking what I might have done to Bella and how River’s sitting here worried about me over something I may have caused. For the last six years I’ve pretty much lived in solitude with only Lily as my company and Ryland, who doesn’t ask me questions unless I offer openings. I don’t like sharing my personal life with anyone and there are reasons for that—because it’s fucking insane. Now though, well Lily’s taken it upon herself to give River an opening to ask questions. I hate her for it. And I don’t really understand why she would do it.

Why did you do it?

Accidental slipup.

“So if you were with me… Lily that night, then maybe I did have an alibi.” I look for the silver lining in this mess.

He shakes his head, pulling his hand away from my face. “What I told you about losing track of you was the truth.” He tugs his fingers through his hair and sits back on his heels, frustrated. “I mean, one minute you were there and the next you were gone. But don’t worry. Like I said, I told the police you were with me, so it doesn’t really matter.”

“Yeah, but I still don’t get why? You could get into a lot of trouble if they catch you.”

“I know that, but I want to help you. I really, really do. And it seems like you might need my help, you’re just afraid to take it for some reason.”

“You keep saying that you want to help me, but it doesn’t make sense. No one ever wants to help.” I say it with no true meaning behind it, yet it feels like I meant it. I can’t help but think about the dreams I keep having, the times I zone off, where I’ve been locked up before for whatever reason. Maybe no one helped me when I was locked away once, but if that’s the case, then why am I free now? Who freed me? Was it Lily? Did she help me escape? But then why would my mother act like she was bad?

“I like you Maddie, even if you don’t believe so.” River’s gaze sweeps across my body, my clothes wet and clinging to my curves. “I’ve liked you from the day I ran into you outside of my AA meeting.”

I’m not sure if I’m buying what he says or not, but I want to pick his mind some more, because he seems to be my only lead to what I did that night.

“So you don’t remember me talking to anyone?” I ask as he puts his hands back on my legs again, seeming really determined to keep me in the chair. “That night, I mean. Anyone that might could give me a legit alibi, or at least help me put the pieces together.”

“Bella. Me. You talked to some of the regulars.”

I shut my eyes , take in a deep inhale and let it out slowly. “I’m not sure it’s going to look good if I was talking to Bella.” I open my eyes and try to decipher his reaction.

He seems far too calm in this particular situation. “You didn’t do anything to Bella.” He considers something with his brows furrowed, fingers massaging my legs. “She talked to a ton of people that night. And so did you,” he gestures at the window, “I watched you guys for quite a while and you talked with each other, costumers, Leon.”

“Why would I talk to Leon?” I ask curiously. “I don’t know him.”

He shrugs, his hands sliding up to the tops of my legs, making my body betray me and shiver with need. “Bella was with you. Maybe she was introducing you to him.”

“Bella was with Leon that night?” It feels vaguely familiar, but maybe I’m searching for an answer to avoid the truth. Because no matter what, I did go to Bella’s apartment. Did black out. Did wake up in a room stained with someone’s blood.

“Yeah, they talked for a little while. I saw it through the window and then they parted ways and she spent most of the night with either you or clients.” He pauses. “From what I saw, no one seemed suspicious. Including you.”

“You were watching me through the window?” I ask, looking over his shoulder at the window that gives me a great view of the room below.

Get out of here. Now.

He shrugs again, but something in his demeanor changes—grows anxious. “You told me I could watch you that night, so when I wasn’t near you, I studied you from up here.”

I don’t trust him, Lily says.

Neither do I… I want to, but I can’t.

We need a plan. To get you out of here and away from him for a while, at least until you figure some stuff out.

Yes... I guess we do… but how?

Handcuffs, she entices.

Even though it makes me feel sick to my stomach, I decide that it’s time to get the out of here and away from River without him being able to follow me and insist he’s helping me. I need to figure some stuff out before I can go around trusting people. And the route I’m going to take is definitely stemming from my bad girl side—from Lily. I think about the knife and how she convinced me to slit her wrist. Deep down, a small part of me wanted to give into her so easily, just like I’m going to do right now.

“Are you watching me now?” I ask River, gliding my hands up the front of his chest and almost smiling when he shudders under my touch.

“What do you mean?” His voice is raspy as desire blazes in his eyes. “Of course I am. You’re right in front of me.”

“Clever.” I slant toward him and he doesn’t move back.

His eyes flick to my lips. “I know.”

“I’m sure you do,” I say in my most seductive voice then move closer to him. “You sure you want to help me?”

“Positive.” He wets his lips with his tongue.

“Okay then.” I press my lips to his and give him a soft kiss.

I’m not a good girl. I don’t care what they say. This is me. This is all I can be. I can’t fight who I am anymore. I’m a bad girl. I do whatever it takes to protect myself. Be a whore. Be whatever you need to be to survive, otherwise you won’t.

River kisses me for a moment, slipping his tongue deep inside my mouth. He tastes like cherries and smells like rain. It’s delicious and intoxicating, but ends too quickly.

He pulls back, his lips leaving mine. “Maddie, just relax.” He holds me back by the shoulders. “We could go to my place and talk for a little while, if you want.”

That’s the last thing I want to do, go somewhere alone with him. So instead of responding, I slant forward again and taste him deliberately.

“Maddie… we should… talk…” He’s reluctant at first, but then gives in, letting his arms bend and allowing my body closer to his. I kiss him, run my fingers through his hair, while his hands travel all over my body. It feels mind-numbingly good, makes me feel alive at the moment, makes it easier to push away the dirt inside me, the voice that shouts at me I’m being the whore the unknown man always told me I was. I wish it were that easy. That I could kiss him and just enjoy it, instead of worrying if I’m going to snap and kill him.

So that’s what I tell myself to get through this. That I’m doing him a favor by what I’m going to do to him. Protecting him from me. Getting to my feet, I guide him with me, making sure to keep our lips sealed as I back us around the desk, bumping into the corner and knocking over a picture on his desk. I bite at his lip then gently push him into the chair. He gazes up at me, eyes glossy, lips parting to say something. But I silence him by tugging his shirt off and discarding it to the side. My movements are reckless, rough, almost violent and it frightens me so much how I feel inside that I’m shaking. I trace my fingers up his lean muscles covered in tattoos, allowing them to slowly wander to the base of his neck, my fingertips quivering when I feel his erratic pulse. I feel him stiffen and I wonder if he’s afraid of me. But as if answering my silent question, he grabs me by the hips and jerks me forward so I land on his lap. Then he crashes his lips against mine. I slide my hands around his shoulders and to his back, scratching at his flesh, feeling something unravel inside me. I’m not Maddie at the moment. Nor Lily. I’m just a confused person who’s trying to survive the madness. Maybe that’s why I take it as far as I do. I could have just stolen the handcuffs before our clothes came off, but I don’t want to. I want to go further. I want to unfold. Shed my skin and just feel something other than fear for one goddamn moment. I want to become the person that I’m always fighting not to be. So I let him rip my clothes off and I do the same to him. Then he touches me, inside and out, his fingers wander over my nipples, my thighs, in me while he devours his lips. It feels so wrong, yet right at the same time.

After I explore him, a condom goes on and before I know it, he’s sinking deep inside me. I try not to think about if Lily went this far with him. It’s so fucked up and I don’t want to think about it—I don’t want to think.

So I don’t.

We rock together in rhythm, driving each other to the edge, fingers delving into each other’s flesh, crying out each other’s names, begging for more. River is as equally rough as me and I start to understand a little, why he might have not cared when Lily hurt him. I think he might like the pain as much as I do. It makes me wonder why. But not for very long because then we’re coming. Together, nails scratching his skin apart, panting, breathless, covered in sweat. It takes me a little while to return to reality and realize what I did. How rough I was. How sickened I am because I liked it, how alarmed and subdued I feel at the moment.

I knew you had it in you. You’re becoming so much like me anymore. Soon you’ll only be me.

She’s right. I do have it in me. The bad. I can admit that now. And it’s terrifying and enthralling. As River’s trying to settle down, I climb off his lap and reach for the drawer, ready to push my bad out some more.

“What are you doing?” he asks, breathless, I pick up a set of handcuffs and the key to them.

His brows knit and his lips part in protest, but before he can do anything, I clip one to a handle on a filing cabinet right by the chair and one to his wrist. At first I think he thinks I want a kinky round two, but when I pick up my skirt and put the keys into my pocket, his amusement turns to alarm.

“What are you doing?” he asks as I collect up my bra and panties from the floor and put them on.

“I’m leaving,” I say, slipping on my shirt and skirt, noting there’s music playing downstairs. The bar must have opened.

He glances down at his wrist and then jiggles it, causing one of the drawers to the filing cabinet to jerk open. “Why did you handcuff me then?”

I shrug, picking up his pants and chucking them to him. “You might want to put those on, so when you’re found, it’ll make the situation a little less awkward.”

He glares at me. “Maddie, unlock me now.”

I shake my head, flipping my hair out of the collar of my shirt. “I’m sorry, but I have to go.”

“Where the fuck could you possibly be going that you would have to cuff me up?” He wrenches his arm, the metal making a loud band, and I can tell that he’ll probably break the handle before too long.

I back toward the door, picking up my shoes from the floor. “Somewhere.”

“Please let me go,” he begs, tugging on the handcuff again and nearly tipping the cabinet over. “I’m worried about you and I want to help… just let me go and I’ll help.”

I slip on one of my boots as I keep walking backward, my eyes fastened on him. “I can take care of myself.”

“No you can’t,” he says firmly, struggling to get to his feet but manages to and the filing leans foward. “And locking me up isn’t going to stop me from wanting to help you.”

“I don’t take help from anyone,” I say, putting my other boot on, but I trip in the process and stumble into another filing cabinet in the corner, causing a huge stack of papers to fall to the floor. “And I think you’ll get the picture after this,” I say, starting to kick some of the papers out of the way, but freeze when I see my name on a lot of them.

This is what you were looking at, weren’t you?

Pick it up and see.

I bend down and pick one up. Rivers handwriting is scrawled over it, lines and lines of rushed notes.

“Maddie, don’t touch that,” River pleads, pulling hard on the handcuff and the cabinet shifts again, almost toppling over. “Please, it’s for your own good.”

I read the paper that’s in my hand. “Maddie’s Asherford is an interesting girl. One I’d like to get to know and crack open and that’s why I’m choosing to do my thesis on her.” I stare at the paper, not even glancing up when I hear a loud thud from in front of me. “She doesn’t quite fit into society and the other day when I was talking to her, she zoned out for a very long time and start whispering something about hearing voices. When she came to, she couldn’t remember doing it and carried on the conversation as if nothing happened.”

“Maddie, please don’t—”

“She referred to herself the other day in the third person and there was a moment where it seemed like she’d turned into someone else. Her posture changed. Her voice did as well. She looked at me different too, but then she must have snapped out of it. I did a little research on her and her past is very interesting—very scarred and dark. She’s done some time in an institution. I’m not even sure if she knows half the stuff she’s been through, but I want to find out if she does.” River calls my name, but it’s faint, barely existent as I turn the page over. “I found out last night that Maddie has multiple personality disorder. I met her alter ego who goes by the name of Lily. She was only out for a while, but she seemed very different from Maddie. More cold and uncaring. Darker, probably created because of her horrible past. In fact, I was a little bit afraid of her. I’d really like to study her, too and see how she acts in society compared to Maddie herself. I just need to get close to her, but it’s complicated when she’s so guarded. But I have a few experiments I’m going to try with her, too see how Lily comes out, who she is and how she differs from Maddie. I’m also getting some outside help and if this all works out, I should have a fairly good paper in the end.”

“This is why you want to help me?” I look up at him, gripping the paper tightly in my hand. “Because I’m insane and you want to study me and do experiments on me.” My voice burns with anger and I’m tremulous, not with fear but with wrath.

He’s managed to drag the filing cabinet over far enough that he’s close enough to me I can see the horror in his eyes. “You’re not insane. I don’t believe that for one minute otherwise I wouldn’t be in here with you.”

“Why are you in here with me?” I ball up the paper and chuck it to the floor. “To study me some more?” I step forward, ready to hurt him. Make him pay in ways I didn’t even know where possible. I discover in this moment just how sickening my mind is. Pain, it can come from more ways than my mind can grasp. “Did you even tell the police what you said you did or was that a lie? Were you hoping to get me here so I’d confess that I killed Sydney or something and you could write it in your paper?” My eyes widen. “Did you break into my house the other night, hoping to see her?” Was that what happened? Was it him?

“Break into your house… what the hell are you talking about?” He looks baffled, but River might be just as good as a liar as I am.

Told you.

You did. I should have listened to you.

River shakes his head as he moves toward me, reducing the space between us and dragging the filing cabinet with him. His wrist is starting to bleed from the cuff but he seems unbothered by it. “I don’t think for one second you did anything to Sydney. It’s not in your nature.”

“And what about Lily?” I challenge, stepping back toward the doorway otherwise I’m going to go toward him and do something I’ll regret.

His brows dip together. “What about her?”

I reach the doorway. “Is it in her nature?”

He doesn’t answer, staring at me as if he’s trying to unravel my thoughts. “I’m not sure yet, but I want to help you find out…. You know it’s not your fault—what she does. You’re two different people, just stuck in the same body. And the things that happened to you in your past… it’s totally understandable.”

“You know nothing about my past!” I shout, surprising the both of us.

“Yes I do,” he insists, giving the cuff another tug. “And if you’ll just uncuff me, I’ll tell you everything I know.”

“You really think I’m stupid enough to believe you?” I shake my head, turning my back on him and rushing out the doorway before I can act out on my need to hurt him. Or worse, trust him.

He calls out my name a few times, but I don’t look back. I jog down the stairs, ready to get the hell out of here. I just want to run away. From everything. And what did he even mean about my past? What does he know that I don’t? I pause at the bottom of the stairway. Should I go back and press him for more?

No, you can’t trust him.

I can’t trust myself.

I step out of the stairway and into the bar. It’s not peaking hour so it’s only about half full, a few guys getting lap dances, soft music playing from the stereo. There’s a waitress at the counter. I’m not even sure what her name is, but it hurts me to see someone else there besides Bella. She’s counting out some one dollar bills, stacking them on the counter and glances up at me, giving me a dirty look. “Why are you here?”

“I’m not sure,” I say, checking the stairway to make sure River hasn’t escaped yet.

She gives me another nasty look. “You know, River may think it’s okay for you to be here, but no one else wants you around.” She puts the stack of ones in the register and shuts it. “Hopefully Leon will fire you soon.”

“Leon fire me?” I question. “He can’t do that. Only Glen can.”

“Yeah, he can. He’s in charge of the bar now,” she says haughtily. “Has been for the last couple of weeks while Glen’s been gone on vacation.”

I glance around the bar, looking for him. Maybe seeing his face will spark a memory. “Is he here now?”

“Nope.” She pauses, collecting the one dollar bills from off the counter. “And aren’t you supposed to be sick or something? That’s why you haven’t been to work right? Or are you hiding from what you did to Sydney?”

So word has gotten around. Vomit burns at the back of my throat but I force myself to remain strong. “Yeah, I was just stopping by to pick up my paycheck.”

“Sure you were,” she says snidely as she drops the bills into the register.

There’s a bang from the stairway and when I turn around I expect to see River there. But instead there’s a guy with dark hair that matches his eyes wearing a black shirt and stone washed jeans, his arms covered in tattoos. One is of a dragon breathing flames across his flesh that I’m pretty sure I’ve seen before… I think I’ve seen more of him before.

His gaze is on the dance floor, but it shifts to me and a small smile touches his face. “Maddie.”

I’m speechless and thankfully the waitress speaks first. “Hey Leon,” she says, reaching for a cup. “We’re running low on chicken wings.”

Leon. That’s Leon. And I’ve met him before… more than once, but where?

His gaze remains on me and I can’t help but think how Bella told me about how he used to be into drug trafficking. “I’ll get some more ordered,” he says, still staring at me. I tell myself that it’s because he’s going to fire me, right here, right now, but when he gives me a friendly nod and then heads off for the stage area, I’m left scratching my head.

I decide it’s time to bail and hurry out from behind the counter, bursting out the front door outside and into the rain. I start across the parking lot, wrapping my jacket tighter around me as rain soaks through my clothes. I have my head tucked down, determined to get the hell out of there without being seen by anyone else, when I hear my name being called out.

“Maddie.”

“God, what now?” I keep walking away, puddles splashing all over my legs, hair soaked. Maybe if I move quickly enough, I can outrun him.

“Lily.”

I stop dead in my tracks. Fuck.

Grinding my teeth, I turn around. Detective Bennerly is standing near a black car, smoking a cigarette and holding an umbrella. He has a long trench coat on, the collar pulled up, like he’s desperately trying to play the part of detective. I’m hesitant to go over to him, but at the same time it’ll probably look bad if I don’t, so I amble over to his car, stopping just short of him.

“It’s Maddie,” I remind him. “I don’t go by Lily anymore.”

He takes a long drag of his cigarette and he ashes it, eyes fixated on me. “Sorry, but you weren’t answering to Maddie, so I thought I’d give it a try.”

“I didn’t hear you the first time,” I say as he stands up straight and steps toward me, moving the umbrella with him and positioning it over both of our heads. I wipe the water from my forehead and cheeks, chattering from the cold. “Did you need something?”

It takes him a second to answer and the whole time his eyes are on me. “Do you want a ride?” he asks, throwing me off guard.

I quickly shake my head and begin to step back. “No thanks. I can take the bus.”

“Let me give you a ride,” he insists. It’s not a request but an order.

I reluctantly nod and he gestures for me to get in. I climb into the passenger seat while he gets into the driver’s, putting away his umbrella before he closes the door. He starts up the engine and then cranks up the heat. “Where are you headed?” he asks, ruffling his hand through his hair in an attempt to dry it.

I was planning on going to see Ryland, get a break from this, and maybe hide out for a while, but now I have no choice but to go to one place. “Home.”

He nods and then backs out of the parking space. “You know the police were called out to your place today,” he says as he cranes the wheel and turns onto the road with the windshield wipers on high as the rain pours down from the cloudy sky.

I buckle my seatbelt. “Huh? Why?”

He glances at me. “You don’t know?” he asks and I shake my head. “Oh, your mother said it was because of you... that you set the alarm off.” He slows to stop at a stoplight. “She seemed a little upset about it.”

“That’s just how she is,” I explain, getting the feeling that this is more than just a ride home. “She worries about me all the time.”

“I wonder why that is?” he asks, pressing on the gas when the light turns green.

I shrug. “I don’t know. Probably because I got hit by a car and lost my memory,” I suggest. “That can make a person worry.”

“How old are you, though?” he asks, but I can tell he already knows. He just wants to hear me say it.

I answer anyway. “Twenty-one.”

“That’s a little old for your mother to still be worrying about you so much. Don’t you think?” he questions, flipping his headlights on.

“I completely agree with you,” I say, rotating in my seat to face him. I think about telling him I’m moving out, to show some maturity, but that also would probably make him a little suspicious. “Detective, what’s this really about?”

“What do you mean?” he asks, his expression guarded, making it impossible to read him.

“I mean, you showing up at the bar when I’m there and then offering to give me a ride home,” I say. “I’m guessing that it’s not a coincidence.”

“It’s not,” he replies, steering the car down the side road that leads to my house. “I was there because your mother said you went to work—that’s why the alarm went off.” He pauses. “But by the amount of time you were in the bar, I don’t think that was why you were there.”

“Have you been following me?” I ask. Calm down.

He shrugs, reaching to adjust the heat. “I happened to show up just as you were going inside,” he says. “So I waited to see how long you were in there.”

“I was picking up my paycheck,” I lie without missing a beat.

“Can I see it?”

I pretend to check my pockets then frown. “Shit. I must have left it back at the bar.”

“Well that sucks,” he says, not buying it. “You want me to turn around so you can go pick it up. Besides, I’ve actually been meaning to talk to River about your alibi not just about Sydney but about Bella Anderfells. I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but she’s been reported missing, strangely the same day as Sydney was killed.”

“I have heard,” I tell him, facing forward in the seat again, watching the raindrops river down the windshield. I wonder if they found her bloody apartment yet. “It was on the news.”

“Yeah, weren’t you guys close?”

“Sort of.”

He continues toward my house, making a left on Cherry Lane Road. “I’m guessing your alibi’s still the same for Bella too. That you were with River on the night and morning of March 15.”

I nod, thinking about how if I did kill her, it was days later so technically I’m not lying. “I already told you I was.”

“Yeah, but I was just double checking.” He gives me a sidelong glance. “Sometimes people change their minds about stuff like that.”

“Well, I don’t have to change my mind because it’s the truth.”

“Alright.”

He doesn’t believe me and quite honestly I’m not even sure I believe me.

“Oh, I forgot to mention that I went through your file.” He’s making it sound like a casual mention, but it’s clearly been planned. He wants me to hear whatever it is he found.

I look at him, puzzled. “File?”

He glances at me again, getting a good look at my face, and I hope it portrays that I’m calm, casual, and completely cool, instead of the erratic instability I’m feeling inside. “Yeah, the one filled out for the accident six years ago.”

“Oh yeah?” I ask smoothly. “Find anything interesting?”

“Should I have found anything interesting?”

I make steady eye contact with him. “You tell me, since you’ve gone through it. I on the other hand have no idea what it says.”

His eyes land on me and the intensity flowing from them almost causes me to melt back in the seat. “Did you know that you had a high dose of flinitrazepam in your system the night you were hit?”

I shake my head, baffled. “I don’t even know what that is.”

“The street name for it is Rufi.” He watches me closely.

“You mean the date rape drug… What? How?”

“Yeah, I’m not sure why. I don’t think it was ever looked into.” He presses on the brake and I realize we’re at my house and turning into my driveway. “You know, it’s strange.” He puts the car in park, parking it right in front of the garage. “A girl in the middle of the street, gets hit by a car, the driver takes off, and you have drugs in your system. Yet her mother doesn’t want the investigation looked into further. Especially one that worries so much.”

I want to ask him what else he read, but in doing so, I feel like I’m putting myself at risk. For whatever reason, he seems to think I have some kind of connection to Sydney’s murder and asking him questions will probably make him question me more.

“Thanks for the ride,” I say, pushing open the door and hopping out into the rain before he can say anything else.

“Any time,” he says with a trace of a pleased grin on his face.

I shut the door and run inside the house with every intention of confronting my mother about the drugs, the fire, the hospital, but to my shock she’s gone. I’d left my phone in my room and find about a dozen missed calls from her and a text.

Mom: Went looking for you. If you get home before I do, don’t leave. Do you understand me? You weren’t supposed to leave the house and the cops came today. I’m serious Maddie…

I stop reading it because it doesn’t matter.

My life is one big lie.

You can trust me. I tell the truth, no matter how painful it is.

I sink down on my bed and watch the rain shift from a downpour to a drizzle, listening for the front door to open, for my mom to walk in. The longer I wait, the more frustrated I get. I was drugged that night and she didn’t want it investigated. Drugged? Why wouldn’t she have it looked into? Why is she always lying to me about everything? To protect me? Because what I’m going through now is anything but protection.

“I wonder what she’d do if you were here,” I say to Lily. “If you showed up and spoke to her… she has to know you exist?”

Maybe we should find out.

I remain sitting on my bed and consider that for about an hour. The more time passes by the more I just want to get away. I know I’m moving, but that can’t happen overnight. I need to just take a day off. Away from my mother. Detective Bennerly. I don’t want to be somewhere where River can find me and confront me after he gets the cuffs off. I just want to be alone, where I don’t have to worry about anything, just for a little while. I want to be able to breathe again. I miss breathing.

Without much deliberating, I grab a blanket and pillow from my closet, grab a heavy coat and fill up a bag with snacks. Even if it’s only for a day, I need a break from all this madness and there’s only one place I can go to get just that.