Chapter 30

Maddie

I’m not sure what Lily means by until I become her. Become insane—accept the insane. Maybe she just means become tougher, more capable of handling things the way she does, with such indifference. I want to believe that I can’t get to that place, but with each passing day, it feels like I’m getting closer to it.

It’s been two days since Preston gave me a sedative, almost a week since I last talked to River, almost two weeks since Sydney died and I woke up in Bella’s apartment with blood everywhere. I haven’t heard anything from the cops since Detective Bennerly dropped me off at my house a few days ago, but I don’t think I’m in the clear yet. It’s late, the moon shining through my window, and I have my lamp on. As I sit on my bed, going through my new button collection, it seems like each button holds a memory, but the memory is hidden. What I really would like to know is if the ones my mother got rid of belonged to any murder victims. Was Sydney my first one or have I done this before? In my memory of the hospital I’d wrote I wasn’t a killer on the wall. But it feels like I am and with everything I’m seeing in the memories, all the death and murder by the man, maybe I somehow turned into him.

Don’t make yourself guilty when you don’t even know if you did it for sure yet. And you could find out if you—

“I know. I know. Become you, but that’s not going to happen. And besides, I’m pretty sure I’ve done a lot of bad things, without you having to tell me about them,” I mumble, scooping up the buttons and letting them slip through my fingers into the box. The sound like heavy raindrops when they land. “I saw it… In hypnotherapy… I think… I took the gun from that girl to shoot that man… but I couldn’t… but it felt like I did shoot him… I think…”

Pitter-patter… pitter-patter… I can hear the rain falling… Hear someone yelling out in anger. It makes me feel sick. Makes me fear what’s going to happen to me in just a few moments.

“Maddie, count the buttons with me. Count the buttons we’ve collected and don’t listen to the screams,” someone says in a gentle voice. “Count the buttons and pretend you’re someone else.”

“You always take good care of me, Evan,” I say, sitting up and scooting forward. One by one, I start counting the buttons. With each one, I feel better, because the buttons are the only things that belong to me anymore. And when he comes to get me, it’s easier to walk up the stairs, even when I know the pain that’s coming because Lily is stronger and handles it so much better. She knows how to turn it off. She knows how to not feel anything and is okay with it.

My hand starts to shake as the voice starts to echo in my head over and over again.

You’re a whore!

You’re a whore!

You’re a whore!

“This is all your fault,” he says as he pins me down. “You make me like this. You and that other whore. You’re evil and so you’re going to have to be punished. The bad must be punished, Maddie.” He touches my hair and the smell of cigarettes, booze, and sweat make me want to puke. I’m holding my breath and I can hear the voice of a woman in the background, the one I’ve heard but never seen like she’s afraid to come in here—see the truth. “This is all your fault, for being such a bad girl. And now you’re going to have to pay for it by watching her suffer and die. But don’t worry, Maddie, she’s been a bad girl too.”

I shake my head. “No.” Then I fight with all my strength to get out from under and somehow I manage to kick him off me. He’s surprised by my strength. He always thought I was the weaker one. But not this time.

I hurry to the nightstand and pick up a lighter while scooping up his bottle of booze and smashing the bottle to the floor. Liquid and glass spill everywhere as I flick the flame on. He rushes at me, screaming at me, that we’ll all die. But I don’t care anymore. About me. Him. Her. Anyone. I feel nothing but hollowness inside as I drop the flame and let the place burn.

My phone starts ringing from my nightstand and the memory fizzles away like dying smoke. It’s eleven o’clock and no one ever calls me, so I’m confused. But I get up and check the screen. It’s from an unknown number. Weird.

“Hello,” I answer, sitting down on my bed. There’s music playing in the background and I can barely hear anything at first.

“Maddie, I need your help.”

My entire body goes rigid. My heart stills. Time stops. “Bella… is that you?” Oh my god, she’s alive. Oh my God, I didn’t kill her. Oh my God, then who the hell’s blood was splattered all over her apartment?

“Yes!” She shouts over the music. “And I….” I hear someone else in the background. “Look, I need you to come down here right now. It’s an emergency.”

“Where the hell are you?” I get up and start pacing my room, biting my nails. Is this real? Or another one of my hallucinations? “You know everyone thinks your missing. The cops are looking for you and everything.”

“I know,” she says warily. “Look, I’m in some really big trouble and I just need you to come down here and pick me up.”

“From where?”

“The bar.”

“I can’t do that…” I struggle with what to say to her that will make sense without having to tell the truth. “Can’t we meet somewhere else? Or maybe you could call the police if there’s something bad going on.”

“I can’t call the cops… I did something… Look, this is really important,” she pleads and it sounds like she’s crying. “You know that guy that I’ve been dating? The one I met from AA?”

“I remember you vaguely talking about him.”

“Well, he and I… well, we’ve been hooking up a lot and I thought I was falling in love with him and everything… But he wasn’t what I thought he was and he got me into some trouble. And I… Look, I really just need you to come get me. I’m hiding out in the back room and I need you to drive me to my place so I can get some stuff and then go to the bus station. I have to get the hell out of town now.”

“What about River?” I ask. “Is he there?”

“No, he never showed up for work tonight,” she tells me and she starts sobbing so hysterically I can barely understand her. “And I don’t dare walk into the bar anyway. I need to lay low… make sure as few people see me as possible.”

“Where’s your car?” I ask, glancing at the clock. “How did you even get to the bar?”

“My car’s home… he dropped me off here… or more like kicked me out,” she says sniffling. “Maddie, I really need you right now. Please?”

I want to tell her just to take the bus, but it makes me feel like an asshole when clearly she’s upset. I knew I should have never made friends with anyone. There’s this unfamiliar sense of obligation to help her out, even if it means getting into trouble. Beside, maybe if I go to her, I can convince her to talk to the police and help eliminate that suspicion toward me. Although, it still won’t explain my fingerprints in whoever’s blood is painting Bella’s house.

“Fine, give me like twenty minutes and I’ll be there,” I say grabbing my leather jacket from my closet.

“Okay,” she says, her voice hoarse. “Thank you so much, Maddie. It means a lot to me.”

“You’re welcome,” I say and hang up, only realizing the alarm is going to go off like a firecracker on the forth of July the moment I open the door. “Now, what?” I ask my reflection as I pull my hair back into a ponytail and put some eyeliner on.

“I’m not the one who told her I’d come get her,” my reflection replies as I apply some red lipstick. “And honestly, the whole thing seems sketchy to me.”

“Yeah, me too…” I shake my head as I pick up my keys. “But I still think I should go down there, even if it is to check on her. It’s important… I need to see… to know if she’s real for myself.”

“Then go,” Lily says with a shrug. “Your mother’s not going to do anything when the alarm goes off—she never does.”

I consider it, but not for very long, then I slip on a pair of boots and I head out of my room. At the front door, I take a deep breath and hesitate before I turn the doorknob. The alarm sounds off and I throw my hands over my ears, running out of the house and to my car parked at the end of the driveway. By the time I have the engine started, my mother’s looking at me from the front doorway. She’s wearing her pajamas, her hair undone, and beneath the light of the porch she looks exhausted. I wait for her to run out and yell at me, but she just scrutinizes me with a look like I just shattered her heart into a thousand pieces. Like I’m about to vanish from her life, like I did six years ago. Like she’s given up on something, perhaps protecting me.

“She could call the cops,” I say, buckling my seatbelt with my eyes glued on my mother. “Technically she owns this car.”

She won’t.

“I hope so,” I say, putting it into reverse and backing down the driveway. “I really do.”

I drive to the bar in fear, constantly checking my rearview mirror for flashing lights and listening for sirens, but they never come. Maybe Lily does know what she’s talking about.

When I reach the bar, it’s around two o’clock, nearing closing time, yet there’s still a lot of people loitering around outside and crammed in the inside. The place is packed, lights low and flashing, and the air smells like must and beer. The music is throbbing, and there are people dancing everywhere, the bar on the stage is empty. The dancers are by the tables instead. As I squeeze my way in deeper, my eyes instantly go to the office window above and I breathe freely when I see that the lights are off. I focus on heading for the back room to get Bella when I get intervened by the waitress who was giving me dirty looks the last time I was here.

“Hey,” she says, rushing over to me like we’re friends. “I need your help.”

“I’m just dropping by,” I say, my gaze skimming the thick crowd. “Nothing more.”

She ignores me, grabbing my arm and tugging me to the bar area where men are crowded around waiting for their drinks. She grabs a few shot glasses and turns them right side up.

“It’s been so busy here,” she explains, getting a bottle of tequila from the shelf behind the bar. “I’m so glad you showed up.” She starts filling the glasses with the golden liquid. “I really needed help tonight.”

Shaking my head, I start to back away, ignoring a few perverted remarks from some of the men sitting in the barstools—nice ass, let me see those tits—I’ve heard it all. “I said I didn’t come here to work. I just need to check in the back room for something.”

I notice her hands are shaking as she pours the drinks and she ends up spilling as much tequila on the counter as she gets into the glasses. “Good, then you can take one of the many guys, who’ve been requesting to go back there, with you,” she says, taking some money from a tall man with a beard for the shots. “I can’t keep up with all the madness.”

I pause, arching my brow. “And why is that my problem?” I ask as she strides to the back wall to put the tequila back on the shelf with the rest of the hard alcohol.

She shakes her head, looking frazzled as she wipes her hands on the sides of her skin tight jeans and releases an unsteady breath. “Maddie, I’m so sorry for being such a bitch the other day… Please just help me out with this and I’ll owe you a huge, epic favor.”

I can’t even remember her name, so why the hell would I want to help her out. Besides, I only came here for Bella.

She points her finger at a guy sitting at the end of the bar. He’s younger than a lot of people who come here, with blond hair that has a slight wave to it. He looks pretty innocent in his polo shirt but when he sees me looking at him, his smile is nothing but innocent. “He’s been requesting you all night.”

I rack my brain for an idea of where I’ve seen him, but I’m drawing a blank. “I have to go,” I say to her and her expression instantly sinks.

“Bitch,” she says.

“Yep,” I reply, turning around and grabbing one of the drinks off the countertop. I throw it back, the alcohol burning my throat as I set the glass back down. As I’m wiping my lips with my hand, my gaze travels up to the window above where I notice someone standing in front of it, staring down in my direction. I snag the waitress’s arm as she’s breezing by me. “I thought River wasn’t here.” I discretely nod my head in the direction of the window.

She looks up and her brows furrow. “No, he is. Why would you think he wasn’t?” She looks at me momentarily, slipping her arm from my death grip.

Why would Bella tell me he wasn’t here? I walk away and breeze by the guy who wanted a private dance, hurrying out from behind the bar and to the dance floor.

“Hey baby,” he says as I rush by him.

Disregarding him, I make my way through the crowd, each step getting heavier and heavier. The lights are flashing and my head’s swimming by the time I reach the door to the private area. No one else is in there and I fumble around to turn the lights on, my fingers really struggling to work, which is very unlike me. Finally I get it and step inside and frown when I realize Bella’s not there. I’m about to back out when I feel someone come up behind me and put their hands on my hips.

“Don’t touch me,” I warn, slipping out of their touch and turning around to see Mr. Polo Shirt standing behind me. I ungracefully stumble over my feet and almost fall to the floor, but catch myself on one of the chairs. “What the hell do you want?” I say as I stand upright, trying to compose myself. Bella, where the hell are you?

I’m getting a little woozy. The world is dancing, neon colors, lots of light. I see flashes of images. A woman tied to the bed at Bella’s apartment. A blond haired girl hovering over her with a knife, ready to cut. The girl screams and the walls are painted red with her blood.

The guy has got a shit eating grin on his face as he moves for me again, reaching to grab me. “I want you.”

I try to walk around him, taking crooked steps and my struggle seems to be making him happy as he blocks my path. He puts his fucking hands back on my hips again and I try to shove him off, but my movements are lethargic, slow motion. Everything is slow motion. He gets rough, his nails digging into my skin as he sits down in the chair and forces me to straddle his lap. “Quit fighting it and be the fucking whore that you are.”

You’re a whore!

You’re a whore!

You’re a whore!

“I’m going to fucking kill you.” I see red. I don’t know what’s happening, but I can feel myself falling into the darkness, not sure I want to come back out.