Stress Management and Communication

Stress is often caused, unresolved or worsened by an inability to communicate effectively with ourselves and with others. We communicate poorly with ourselves when we: lack objectivity; blame others for causing the stress; believe we are helpless victims. If we decide we are the victims in a stressful situation, we give up any responsibility for controlling or changing it. We must accept responsibility for changing the situation; focus on life's unfairness.

We can communicate honestly and productively with ourselves if we:

• Believe we can win. We must believe we have the power to change or successfully adapt to the situation and must communicate this belief to ourselves, because if we don't believe it, certainly no one else will either.

• Acknowledge how we contributed to the stressful situation and change our behaviour;

• Believe that we can win; this helps maintain our self-confidence and avoids prolonged anxiety and depression.

We can't effectively manage a stressful situation unless we can communicate well. Common communication pitfalls include: taking stress out on others; focusing on the symptoms, not the problem; a reluctance to ask for support.

The following are some elements of effective communication.

• Tell people how we feel. If our stressful behaviour affects others at work or at home, tell them what causes the stress (deadlines, illness, divorce etc.) and ask for understanding.

• Try to identify the real issue. In a marriage, a spouse's behaviour may be stressful (not hanging up clothes or not washing dishes, etc.), but if these habits haven't been a problem in the past, it is unlikely they are the real issue now. Look deeper. The real issue may be lack of trust or support, a distancing in the relationship or another issue that has slowly developed. Identify this issue. Then talk it over constructively with the others. Communicate in a constructive, non-confrontational fashion.

• Discuss symptoms as indicators of a more fundamental problem.

• Avoid making accusations.

• Ask for their opinions, observations and ideas for resolving the situation.

• Focus on solutions, not problems.

• Remember the objective is to eliminate stress and restore harmony.

If we experience a conflict with another person which produces stress, we should avoid getting involved in a direct confrontation. People undergoing stress are often unreasonable. Don't respond on an emotional level. Focus on discussing solutions as objectively as possible.

Effective communication techniques to use include the following:

• Let the other party vent his anger.

• Listen and try to pinpoint the underlying issues.

• Keep our own stress in check.

• Encourage a dialogue.

• Keep the conversation aimed at solutions.