HELP FOR INTERNET ADDICTION
Hello. Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.
We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem. We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover. We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict.
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
10) All of the above?
If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at: 1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORSWEETJESUSSAKE. We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem. Call us today. If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.
7 THINGS TO DO WHEN THE INTERNET IS DOWN
1. Dial 911 Immediately.
2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
3. You mean there's something else to do?
4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.
E-MAIL FROM HOME
Reaching my son at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology on his fraternity-house phone was next to impossible. Instead I began to e-mail him. This way, when I reminded him to dress warmly, eat well and study hard, I could feel confident that he'd received my message.
After my second lengthy e-mail communiqué, he called home and assured me that everything was fine. "By the way, Mom," he said, chuckling, "I think you've invented cybernagging."
Peace be unto you, your computer and the e-mail you receive this day. May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or return it within a limited time frame.
May the mail you receive not require you to take action to prove your love, friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender. May the mail you receive not start with Fw Fw Fw, not contain strangely named attachments and contain a "<" for every ">".May the mail you receive not require you to look closely at those on the playground to see if they are the non-missing children you are to be searching for.
May the mail you receive not cause you to change your eating habits to avoid plagues, pestilence and the eating of parts of things that you can't buy at Wal-Mart.
May the mail you receive not encourage you to carry a steel plate on which to sit in theaters or other public places. May the mail you receive not encourage you to learn the 800 Number for the National Missing Child Bureau, Center for Disease Control or the FCC.
May your inaction to the mail you receive not cause the death of monks, missionaries, mothers or the misguided.
And above all may peace and harmony be yours until tomorrow.
NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES
ALTZHEIMERS VIRUS It makes your computer forget where it put your files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS It terminates and stays resident. It'll be back!
CHILD VIRUS It constantly does annoying things, but is too cute to get rid of.
DIET VIRUS Allows your hard drive to lose weight by eliminating the FAT table.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS It divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
HEALTHCARE VIRUS Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4500.
HURRICANE VIRUS It blows away all your files, then tells you the government will help you rebuild them.
JANE FONDA VIRUS It attacks your hard drive's FAT.
MAFIA VIRUS You don't want it, but you're afraid to get rid of it.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
SPICE GIRL VIRUS Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
TEENAGER VIRUS Your PC stops every few seconds to ask for money.
X-FILES VIRUS All your icons start shape-shifting.
YUGOSLAVIA VIRUS Immediately fragments into several autonomous parts, then violently tries to reassemble itself for the next 150 years.
THE WORK VIRUS
This is serious ... a "WORK" virus is on the loose...
If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via e-mail, Internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague ...
DO NOT OPEN IT!
The "work" virus has been circulating round our building for months and those who have been tempted to open it or even look at it have found that their social life is deleted and the brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via e-mail, then to transmogrify the virus, send an e-mail to your boss with the words, "I've had enough of your stuff... I'm off down to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain and your career will now be successfully destroyed.
If you receive "work" in paper document form, simply lift the document and drag to your waste paper bin and deposit there. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest pub with two friends and order 3 pints. After repeating this action 14 times you will find that "work" will no longer trouble you.
Send this message to everyone in your mailbox. If you do not have anyone in your mailbox, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life. Go out and get some friends!
MURPHY’S COMPUTER LAWS
· A quarantined virus - will be opened.
· A chain letter - will be sent. To global. A dozen times.
· The chance of a virus infecting your network is directly proportional to the amount of damage it does.
· The only program that runs perfectly every time, is a virus
The best way past a pesky security feature is a 13-year-old.
You'll always receive an e-mail from a web site that you never visit before.
A virus will be erased when the hard drive crashes, making it useless for antivirus program to fix it.
Antivirus systems only effectively work on a virus after given virus has passed its prime.
The most frightening of viruses is the virus you do not know is already there.
MULTIMEDIA AND NETWORKS
Now this is superb creativity! A cartoonist created a map that depicts social networking websites as countries with sizes that depend on how popular the sites are. The cartoonist, Randall Munroe, is a graduate student from Massachusetts, has drawn up a world map that represents the levels of social activity in each community such as Facebook, Twitter and many others including Farmville!
Munroe was last known as the creator of the cult webcomic xkcd. The map shows each country named after a website and the more popular sites have bigger masses. The map was drawn based on statistical information including website hits and number of members in each community. This is in fact a second version and a previous version was created back in 2007.
Facebook, Twitter and Skype dominate the map along with Email. Myspace however was much smaller than anticipated. Farmville had quite a nice chunk from Facebook while Youtube was a good sized island.
lektsii.com - Лекции.Ком - 2014-2021 год. (0.006 сек.)
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