THE FIRST FOUR MINUTES

When do people decide whether or not they want to become friends? During their first four minutes together, according to a book by Dr Leonard Zunin. In this book "Contact. The first four minutes" he offers this advice to anyone interested in starting new friendship: "Every time you meet someone in a social situation, give him your undivided attention for four minutes. A lot of people's whole lives would change if they did just that".

You may have noticed that the average person does not give his undivided attention to someone he has just met. He keeps looking over the other person's shoulder, as if hoping to find someone more interesting in another part of the room. If anyone has ever does it to you, you probably did not like him very much.

When we are introduced to new people, the author suggests, we should try to appear friendly and self-confident. In general, he says: "People like people who like themselves".

On the other hand, we should not make the other person think we are too sure of ourselves. It is important to seem interested and sympathetic, realizing that the other person has his own needs, fears and hopes.

Hearing such advice, one might say: "But I'm not a friendly, self-confident person. That's not my nature. It would be dishonest for me to act that way".

In reply, Dr. Zunin would claim that a little practice could help us feel comfortable about changing our social habits. We can become accustomed to any changes in our personality. "It's like getting used to a new car. It may be unfamiliar at first, but it goes much better than the old one".

But isn't it dishonest to give the appearance of friendly self-confidence when we don't actually feel that way? Perhaps, but according to Dr. Zunin, "total honesty" is not always good for social relationships, especially during the first few minutes of contact. There is a time for everything, a certain amount of play-acting may be best for the first minutes of contact with strangers. That is not the time to complain about one's health or mention faults one finds in other people. It is not the time to tell the whole truth about one's opinions and impressions.

Much of what has been said about the strangers also applies to relationships with family members and friends. For a husband and a wife or a parent and a child, problems often arise during their first four minutes together after they have been apart. Dr. Zunin suggests that these first few minutes together should be treated with care. If there are unpleasant matters to be discussed, they should be dealt with later.

The author declares that interpersonal relations should be taught in every school, along with reading, writing and mathematics. In his opinion, success in life depends mainly on how we get along with other people. That is, at least, as important as how much we know.

1. How would you express the main idea of the text in a most general way?

2. What features are most important for human relations?

3. Have you ever employed a certain amount of play-acting while dealing with people?

4. In what situations?